Prompt #5

The Prompt: Sometimes I wonder about you.

Where you are, what you’re doing. It’s been two months since I last saw you, nearly eight since we last spoke. No, don’t worry. I wasn’t following you around. I haven’t resorted to that yet. I saw you as I was driving by a girl’s party. Her name was Lana, I think? She had been one of your friends before we started going out.

I won’t lie, it hurts to see you with her again. I imagine you laughing at her jokes, letting her sling her arm around your shoulders. It’s like a burning coal of jealousy in the pit of my stomach. It’s wrong, I know, but it hurts to see you with someone else when you could have been with me.

Six whole months. It’s a long time to go without you, D. I never thought I would survive this long without you. It was my fault, I know, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. In some ways it hurts more than if you had fallen out of love with me. It hurts to know that you’re out there, maybe still with feelings for me, but you refuse to come back.

I’ll keep my promises this time. I will. I’ll do anything to get you back.

It’s been twenty months since you broke up with me the first time. I thought I was going to die then and there. You broke my heart and it felt like the rest of me was shattered as well. When you came back to me it was the happiest I’d ever felt.

I’m sorry for screwing things up again. I’m sorry for letting you down. Please take me back. I’ll be anything you want this time.

Twenty nine months since I met you. That was the best day of my life. I first saw you in class that first day you came to school. You were the prettiest girl I’d ever seen. I could tell you were embarrassed by the way the teacher made you introduce yourself. I was pretty pissed on your behalf, but I think I forgave him when he made you sit by me.

That class became my favorite. I fell in love with you before you even knew my first name. I don’t think you ever knew how long my feelings had lasted. To you I was just the guy you sat next to in class, I knew that.

But when we became more it felt as though my heart would burst. And the night you told me you loved me, just less than twenty three months ago, was the night I gave my full heart to you. I’ll never love another girl like I do you. You’ve taken it with you, D. I’d say you stole it, but I gave it to you willingly.

How did things turn out like this? How did we go from head over heels in love to over?

No, I don’t expect you to answer that. I know what you would say all too well. And I’m sorry. Have I mentioned that before? I’m so incredibly sorry. I never intended to hurt you. That was the last thing I wanted to do. I just got so jealous when you spent more time with your friends than me.

I love you, D. Why can’t you understand that everything I did I did out of love?

But I was wrong. I know that now. I loved you too much and you needed your space. You deserve better than me, but it’s hard when all I want is you.

Two months since I last saw you and those have been the hardest two months of my life. I never realized how empty my life was before you were in it and now all I can think of is how much worse the pain is now that you’re gone.

I love you with every fiber of my being. How did that turn out so wrong?

There’s nothing I can say to fix what we had. That’s over. You made it clear the last time we spoke that I was never to come near you again. I’m sorry for that, for that and so much else. Where did I go wrong? All I wanted was for you to love me as much as I loved you. I never meant to hurt you, to do those things to you.

Sometimes when your soft skin was marked I could hardly look at you. I never told you how much it hurt to see you that way. It wasn’t you I couldn’t stand to see, it was what I had done to you. How I had marred your perfect beauty and turned you into my own ugly creation.

It was never my intention to hurt you.

Sometimes I wonder about you, D. Do you still dream about me? I used to love when you told me all of your dreams and had me help interpret them. Am I still a comforting figure in them? Or am I the dark shadow man that makes you wake up in the middle of the night in terror?

I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry for so much that you’ll never know because I was never able to explain. The more I hurt you, the more I hurt myself. It was self destructive. But I love you more than words can say.

After everything that’s happened, D, I still love you.